The Happiest Place on Earth

Fuck Disney. Now, I mean that in the best possible way. I’m sure when you are younger seeing Mickey and Goofy in real life was a treat, but once you realize that women are the real fun part of life, they just don’t add up.

That brings me to the REAL “Happiest Place on Earth”. That place is The Bunny Ranch. Nestled snuggly in the hills of Carson City, Nevada. My face was nestled snuggly in some boobs the weekend of April 20-22 back in 2001.

You see, I won a contest. The heres and theres of the contest really aren’t that big a deal. The big deal is that I won a free round trip, all expenses paid trip to the World Famous Bunny Ranch. Now when I say all expenses paid, I mean ALL expenses paid. I was 21 years old and yes, still a virgin. That was all about to change.

I won’t bore you with the travel follies because that is just a lot of waiting and boring bullshit. The story really begins when we got to the Ranch. We were staying AT the Ranch that weekend in some trailers that I was told were going to be renovated into a workout area for the girls after we left. We, being a friend of mine and the DJ, got there just in time to put our bags in our respective sleeping areas and get a tour of the joint. FANTASTIC is the only way to describe this place.

At that point we set up for the live broadcast. It was from Carson City to Milwaukee. Amazing the way the ol’ radio waves work now. Anyway..

There was the typical radio babble until Bridget the Midget came out of one of the specialty rooms after shooting a scene from her upcoming movie. Oh, did I mention she was half in the bag? I can only assume it only took half the alcohol to get her drunk. Get it? Okay, bad jokes aside, the line up came into the back kitchen area and I picked a real cute girl. Very girl next door looking, something I really have a thing for.

So we went into her room and I noticed that she had a stack of books there, she said she was a student and of course I believed her. Would you call the woman who was going to ride you like a mechanical bull a liar? I think not. So we sat on her bed and discussed what was going to happen. We agreed and then I started to get undressed. By the time I had one shoe off she was naked and kind of looking at me like I was taking too long.

So once we were both in the buff, things began to get fun. I will spare you the would be gorey details, and say that it went from her on her knees to her enjoying a ride on the Ron Train.

45 minutes later - no, I am not stretching the truth - I went on the air and expressed how AMAZING it was. I was officially ruined for women back home. The rest of the night was truly a blur. We got drunk, smoked cigars and just had the kind of fun that you can imagine Bernie Madoff’s cell mate is having with him right now.

The next day we started drinking early and then decided to get the real partying going later that night. I got to have to have TWO women this night, but there was a price. I had to play a game called, “How Long Can He Last”.

While I was going at it with TWO women. I can’t emphasis that enough. TWO women, my friend and the DJ were in the bathroom saying things to kill my buzz, so to speak. The same thing would happen to my friend later in the evening, but this is about me and MY exploits.

Things were going FANTASTIC and I was able to keep from falling to pieces until one of them said, “Pretend it’s your Mom”. That pretty much would keep Ron Jeremy from performing.

I came back to Racine a conquering hero. Everyone wanted to hear of my exploits, whether they would admit it or not. Hell, even women enjoyed it! There was one woman in particular that before wouldn’t give me the time of day, but when I came back from the Ranch was all over me. She ended up with a guy who had 13 kids and gave her the clap.

That’s a different story, for a different time.